The Vitals
Everything required to successfully arrive, party, and be returned to your loved ones in acceptable condition.
📍 Where
Airbnb address coming soon
Wrightsville Beach (Wilmington's beach). Lumina Ave is the beachfront strip — beach proximity: extremely yes.
Open in Maps🗓️ When
5 days in September — dates TBD
Check-in is 4:00 PM Thursday. Do not arrive at 9 AM and stand in the driveway. Or do — the neighbors should get used to us early.
🎒 What to Bring
- An 80s beach outfit. Neon, short shorts, aviators, tank tops with objectionable slogans. Commit to the bit.
- Golf clubs (if you're playing Friday)
- Swimsuit, sunscreen, sandals
- Cash/Venmo for groceries, green fees & dinner
- A cooler if you've got one
- Your Mario Kart 64 muscle memory
🛒 Supplies Run
First official activity Thursday: a grocery run that is legally described as "groceries" but is, statistically speaking, beer. If you have requests, get them on the spreadsheet before we go.
The Sacred SpreadsheetThe Schedule (Roughly)
"Roughly" is doing a lot of work in that sentence. Times are vibes. The beach is always open.
Thursday — Arrival Day
Friday — Golf Day
Saturday — Beach Day
Sunday — The Reckoning
The Games
Scoring system: 1 token per win. All tokens are equal. Tokens get counted at the end of the weekend and the winning team receives glory, which is non-transferable and has no cash value.
⛳ Golf
Friday. The main event for the sickos who brought clubs. Rankings below are official and legally binding.
🥅 Putter Ball
Justin's domain (Robert subs in if we need two). Like beer pong and mini golf had a child neither claims.
🥤 Flip Cup
Teams and bracket drawn from a hat, which is the fairest legal system humanity has produced.
🏓 Beer Pong
Also hat-drawn teams and bracket. House rules will be argued about for a minimum of 25 minutes before game one.
🌽 Cornhole
Boards supplied by Robert & Jamison. Bags fly, friendships end.
🏎️ Mario Kart 64
Todd brings the N64. Robert & Justin bring controllers. Rainbow Road settles all outstanding disputes.
🏈 CFB Pick 'Em
Saturday. Pick college football winners. Whoever loses had "a system."
Golf Power Rankings
Straight from the spreadsheet. Rankings were assigned by a rigorous scientific process (someone typed numbers). Unranked golfers are wildcards and therefore dangerous.
| Rank | Golfer | Scouting Report |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Todd | "fuck you todd it's true" — the spreadsheet, verbatim |
| 2 | Bernie | Quiet. Consistent. Terrifying. |
| 3 | Kirk | Podium threat, handshake enthusiast |
| 9 | Jamison | Brings cornhole boards, brings mid golf |
| 10 | Robert | Better at supplying equipment than using it |
| 11 | Justin | The groom. Let him win nothing. He'd want it that way. |
| 12 | Zac | Ranked 12th out of 12 ranked golfers. Statistically our floor. |
| — | Eric Witdabigdick | Name entered into spreadsheet exactly like that. We have questions. |
| — | Marci | Entered in ALL CAPS, which suggests confidence |
| — | Chan | Unranked. Unknowable. Unbothered. |
| — | Roman | Mystery box contestant |
| — | Phil C | The C stands for "could go either way" |
Maybes: Josh, Disalvo, Whitmore — commit, cowards.
The Teams
Teams are decided by the only stat that matters: number of children produced. This is real. This is how we chose. Nobody has a better idea.
🍼 Team No Kids
Well-rested. Disposable income. Something to prove.
- Justin 🤵 (the groom)
- Steve (best man, webmaster, hero)
- Eric
- Kirk
- Phil
- Bernie
- TG
- Disalvo
👨👧👦 Team Dads (2+)
Tired. Efficient. Haven't slept since 2019 and it made them stronger.
- Chan
- Roman
- Zac
- Josh
- Jamison
- Robert
- Whitmore (leaving Sat AM — plays hard, leaves early)
- Stinnie
- Jorge
⚖️ Free Agents (exactly 1 kid)
Marci and Todd — trapped between worlds. One kid each. Will be assigned to balance the teams, or auctioned off, whichever is funnier.
FAQ
Do I really have to dress 80s Beach?
Yes. The theme was ratified in the spreadsheet, and the spreadsheet is our constitution. Think Miami Vice lifeguard, off-duty Hulk Hogan, or a man who owns exactly one pair of sunglasses and they're heart-shaped. Effort will be noticed. So will its absence.
What does "Don't Die" mean in the motto?
It's a legally non-binding safety guideline. Hydrate between beers, wear sunscreen, and do not attempt to prove anything about the ocean. The ocean has been undefeated for 4 billion years.
I don't golf. Am I useless on Friday?
Absolutely not — beach shift starts immediately. Someone has to hold down the house, ice the coolers, and heckle the golfers via group text.
How do I pay for my share?
Venmo the best man (Steve). Cost breakdown is on the spreadsheet. Bring extra cash for green fees and dinner. The groom pays for nothing — that's the whole point.
Can I bring a plus one?
Brother, this is a bachelor party.
What happens at the bachelor party...
...gets recorded on the scoreboard, because tokens must be counted. Everything else stays in Wilmington.